There are so many ways to love someone.
There are so many ways to be in love.
And so many ways that you feel in love that make you want to be with someone
And so many ways to be in love with someone but not want to be with them
And so many ways to love someone and wish you were in love with them
or wanted to be with them
And so many ways to fall in love with someone you shouldn't be with
Or can't
And so many ways to love someone you only wish you could fall in love with
but it's not happening
And so many ways you wish you weren't so gutless and would take a chance
And so many ways that you're grateful that you won't
Because you know its right not to
But part of you questions
Feelings are so confusing
But really so crystal clear

There are so many ways to love someone for who they are
Yet just as many to love someone for the way they love you
One is conditional, one is not
One is tainted, one is pure
There are so many ways they can be mixed and intertwined
There are so many outcomes to wish for
And all of them in the same breath
So life produces random, stalled, answers
In reply to my lack of clarity
Or is it perhaps, my lack of willingness to decide.
Hush now, you're too serious....
Ha. Oh but I am. And Oh but I treasure the exuberant depths of life and being a part of it.


A couple of days ago, on the train, I girl and a guy came on and sat down beside me. The girl was carrying a tiny little ridgeback puppy. He was sleepy and tried to curl up on her chest the first moment he could. I was staring at him and I realised I was smiling at this beautiful little bundle.
The guy was really cute. I'd seen him before. Some kind of tradesman. I presumed they were in a relationship. He talked about something about his day, something wrong with a relationship with a workmate. The girl listened carefully, stroking the puppy's ears as he fell asleep. She questioned him intermittently, offering supportive but honest comments in between.
I miss that.
I enjoyed listening and observing the way they related to each other. Each with simple lives and simple dreams, just listening to each other and caring about each other's lives, day to day, moment to moment.
I sighed and looked out the window. Envious of that dog and envious of that relationship. At least for that moment.
Then I turned my head back down to the thick novel lying open on my lap. A welcome distraction for so many thoughts akin to those in these days when I am tired and worn and my defenses are low.
And the very next paragraph read:
"Katrina just surrendered everything she owned or cared about for you. I've seen men who throw their affection at young maids, like grain tossed at chickens. The maids sigh and weep and believe that they are special, yet for the man, it's only a trifling amusement. You have always been honourable, Roran, but one's loins can turn even the most sensible person into a prancing booby or a sly, wicked fox. Are you one? For Katrina requires neither a fool, a trickster, nor even love; what she requires above all else is a man who will provide for her. If you abandom her, she will be the meanest person in Carvahall......"

I promised myself once, through a hard lesson, never to ever mislead affection that I feel may exist, by pretending I am unaware of it's existence and therefore mis-treating the source, and house, of its creation. And since, I have maintained my word.
But what is it that I require, above all, if I seek a betrothal or committment in relationship... there are so many things, but what is the one things that drives each of us to find the thing we want to find most? It simply must be different for every single human.
For me? I feel Im partially blinded to my own answer.
Loyalty, loyalty and devotion and adoration incomparable to any that has ever existed before. Mutually. Loyalty that grows evermore fascinating. For me, that is what feeds my affection for a person. Loyalty. Yes thats true of me.
And consideration, compassion and TRUTH TELLING, are the gate-keepers of the road to loyalty, and this is a large part of why they are also my core values.
And that is also a large reason why there is such a feeling of rarety between potential partners for the good, long, forever term, perhaps.
Part of it is fear, part of it is because with so many billion different core desires from each person's base need for relationships, the chance of seeking a complimentary match for something so utterly pure is, well, small in the world in which i was born into. Unless it isn't.
It's the purity I seek and yet that seems the rarest thing in existence.
Things like this make me feel like Im from another planet. I probably am.
And thank goodness I am in no rush.
And thank goodness even for this new committment phobia for it's stalling me even further.
A lesson that's imperative, useful, and refreshing for me to learn.
And then....
the other problem I find is that someone like me searching for, underneath the million other pre-requisites, this kind of other-worldly loyalty/devotion/adoration/appreciation borne of indescribably magic kind of love, attracts needy partners. Really needy partners. Partners that leach. And partners that leach but pretend they are doing just the opposite.
This is the next phase. Finding all that I seek YET in a way that frees. That gives both more freedom (of self? of soul? of depth? of feeling? of life?) than either had as two people in solitude. Ha, is that even possible?
Well if it isn't the world is going to have to make it so for that is what I seek!!!

Relationships, let alone marriage, is a lot to ask of a person, and a lot to ask of oneself.
A lot bigger than romance would ever have us see.


Oh enough rambling I am so out of my right mind.